One whole year not smoking!
I did it.
Deakin University has too.
Thanks to my special work mate for the card and yummy chocolates (you know who you are).
And to all my family and friends who supported me on my quit journey.
*Do not read if whingeing offends as this is a very self-absorbed, negative and ‘poor me’ post. But I promised the good, the bad and the ugly.*
This is an exciting milestone so why don’t I feel happier about it? I have not had a smoke for three months – not even a cheeky puff! Have saved $2k, put on a few kilos, discovered I have much more time on my hands and according to Wikipedia, my body has reaped the following benefits:
I should be dancing on the ceiling. Singing out loud. Skipping when I walk. But to be honest, I feel depressed. I miss smoking – a great lot actually. It’s not that I constantly think about ciggies or even that I constantly crave them; but during expected and unexpected random moments I still feel like I’ve lost something I cared about, this vague sadness and unsettled feeling.
Sometimes I feel proud of myself. When my daughters hug me and tell me how nice I smell and how proud they are of me for quitting. Or when I read another article on banning smoking and breathe a sigh of relief that I am quit. And when friends and family randomly ask me how it’s going and grin from ear to ear when I report I haven’t had a set back. But it seems I am happier that I have made those I love happy and proud (which is fantastic) – but I should be happy for myself too right?
Triggers still flare up thanks to unwanted news; the pesky government are lifting taxes for a cheaper line of smokes – another reason to start again. Really? Ban them on one hand and tempt the devil on my shoulder at the same time. Or I catch up with an old friend and while sipping on a glass of shiraz feel that the vibe isn’t the same. Or I finish a few hours of gardening or writing and want to reward myself with a smoke break and sadly realise I no longer smoke. Or I have a shitty day and get a call to stop at supermarket on way home and sometimes it’s just all too hard.
As someone who always thought I viewed the world as a full cup, it seems I need to work on my attitude. I need to focus on something positive to get through the next three months. Or I am truly worried I am going to buy a packet and puff away.