*Do not read if whingeing offends as this is a very self-absorbed, negative and ‘poor me’ post. But I promised the good, the bad and the ugly.*
This is an exciting milestone so why don’t I feel happier about it? I have not had a smoke for three months – not even a cheeky puff! Have saved $2k, put on a few kilos, discovered I have much more time on my hands and according to Wikipedia, my body has reaped the following benefits:
- Within 20 minutes after quitting, blood pressure and heart rate decrease
- Within 12 hours, carbon monoxide levels in the blood decrease to normal
- Within 48 hours, nerve endings and sense of smell and taste both start recovering
- Within 3 months, circulation and lung function improve.
I should be dancing on the ceiling. Singing out loud. Skipping when I walk. But to be honest, I feel depressed. I miss smoking – a great lot actually. It’s not that I constantly think about ciggies or even that I constantly crave them; but during expected and unexpected random moments I still feel like I’ve lost something I cared about, this vague sadness and unsettled feeling.
Sometimes I feel proud of myself. When my daughters hug me and tell me how nice I smell and how proud they are of me for quitting. Or when I read another article on banning smoking and breathe a sigh of relief that I am quit. And when friends and family randomly ask me how it’s going and grin from ear to ear when I report I haven’t had a set back. But it seems I am happier that I have made those I love happy and proud (which is fantastic) – but I should be happy for myself too right?
Triggers still flare up thanks to unwanted news; the pesky government are lifting taxes for a cheaper line of smokes – another reason to start again. Really? Ban them on one hand and tempt the devil on my shoulder at the same time. Or I catch up with an old friend and while sipping on a glass of shiraz feel that the vibe isn’t the same. Or I finish a few hours of gardening or writing and want to reward myself with a smoke break and sadly realise I no longer smoke. Or I have a shitty day and get a call to stop at supermarket on way home and sometimes it’s just all too hard.
As someone who always thought I viewed the world as a full cup, it seems I need to work on my attitude. I need to focus on something positive to get through the next three months. Or I am truly worried I am going to buy a packet and puff away.